I’ve been locked out of my “new” blog thanks to a new computer and Google security.
But when Silicon Valley thought evil against me, God disposed it to good.
My old, dear, derelict CF is the perfect venue for today’s thoughts as they mostly stretch back to the days this place was in full swing- college and slightly beyond college.
An old chum from those days has passed. I will not mention his name here, because I intend to speak truth to my interactions with him. That honesty will require the kind of talk I’d rather not reach the ears of close friends and family.
His death came suddenly and on the heels of yet more death this week. A friend’s grandmother succumbed on Tuesday after a grueling month of debate over whether to pull the plug. My roommate’s sweet dog had to be put down on Wednesday. News of Charles Krauthammer’s impending demise dropped on Friday. Then, on Saturday morning, the week’s coup de grace came. From here on out, I’ll refer to him as Trent.
Trent was in his late twenties. He had just started a very promising career after breezing through grad school. I do not have the privilege of saying I knew the fully-formed man. Just a load of second-hand accounts and character references from mutual friends.
My time with Trent was the whole of undergrad. We had different majors in the same field. I also got him involved with the student organization he thrived in…some would say conquered.
He had everything; looks, charm, energy, and a formidable intellect. As the old saw goes, the men wanted to be him and the women wanted to be with him. I don’t know about the world, but the school (our world at the time) certainly was his oyster.
While I’m sure I classified him as a friend then (low bar), I wouldn’t in retrospect. I didn’t know a thing about him beyond a few political opinions and desires that passed their sell-by date five years ago. We never just hung out. We never discussed family, girls, great books, etc. I thought a couple of his hobbies were just plain stupid.
It was a relationship based in mutual admiration and an initial desire to work together, but as we blossomed in the aforementioned organization, our roles changed. Eventually, we were at loggerheads. We had different managerial philosophies and different sets of allies. He was a needless pain in the neck during organizational meetings and I tried to block his advancement at a critical moment.
If you came to me a week ago when we were both alive and well and asked me to describe the guy back in school, I would’ve said I admired him, but we didn’t get on well. If you pressed me enough, I would’ve told you he was a selfish twit in school. I’d entertain buying him a beer to make amends. Get to know Trent the man. Maybe share a laugh laugh at how awful we were to each other at certain moments. But it wasn’t a priority. He was 27. I was 28. We both had time… or so I thought.
It saddens me to know I was wrong. It also saddens me to know our mutual pettiness (mostly his) blinded me to his very genuine decency. Story after story keeps crossing my memorial chat group of the good things he said or did. I cannot help but come to the conclusion that he was just dandy to a great number of people and that my impression was a peculiar outlier, shaded by a silly rivalry.
UPDATE: An old friend came to me confidentially after I gave him the gist of this post. It turns out I wasn’t alone. Unlike me, he had a chance to grab that drink with Trent and it turned out really well.
They called it all water under the bridge and looked forward to a future as convivial acquaintances.
It’s interesting to contemplate how a man’s “enemies” interact with him in life and legacy. It says a lot about both parties.
The Civilized Frontier 